What is Detachment?
This is the ability to allow people, places or things have the freedom to be themselves, including those that are manipulative in getting their desires. It is a way of holding back from the unnecessary need you feel from within to save or fix another person from sickness, dysfunctions and irrationality, a way ofdisengaging from an over-enmeshed, toxic or dependent relationship with people whether romantic or otherwise, and a realization as well as acceptance of the fact that your effort can never change or control a person from doing a particular thing.
In similar vein, detaching mean that a person is developing or maintaining a safe emotional gap from someone whom such individual has previously given a lot of powers and control over them to the extent that they affect their emotional outlook and psychological health. It could mean that an individual is establishing clear emotional boundaries with someone he has previously overly enmeshed with in order to feel free, develop his own sense of autonomy and independence, or most likely, it is a process by which an individual is freeing up his own emotions when he sees others falter and fail without being unnecessarily led by guilt to believe he is responsible for their failures including the imbalances in the relationship they share. You are detaching when you begin to place every things as pertaining to you in life into healthy and rational perspective while also recognizing the need to break away from uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life. Sometimes it is the ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention from experiencing greater devastation from hanging on to greater emotional devastation beyond reasonable as well as rational point, other times it is the ability to allow your abusive partner realize the wrong in their nature and who they are rather than who you wanted them to be, and perhaps it is also the ability to avoid being unnecessarily hurt, abused and taken advantage of by an unrepentant narcissist who has always taken advantage of you.
When you detach emotionally from a partner, it may require a change in your attitude, behaviors and belief system. It brings about disarming your toxic partner by eliminating his ability to get you down in emotional pains, and his ability to hurt you as he has always done. It is no way about changing your attitude or behavior so that you would not trigger your partner. Rather if you successfully detach, it would probably make them get nastier and controlling for a while.
However, before you detach from a partner, you have to understand the following;
- Love doesn’t conquer all situations especially ill ones. What you are experiencing in your relationship with that individual is probably not love but a twisted and distorted version of it, based on trauma bonding and psychological addictions.
- You are incapacitated no matter how strong you think you are to rescue or fix an abusive, sick and dysfunctional partner from their highly distorted realities. Trying this will only make you sink and drown with them because they have every tendency to drag you with them
- Heads up! You can survive and live very fine without the said relationship. You have a life before he walks up into your life and you will have even better ones after his departure.
- You have no responsibility about your partner’s shortcoming no matter how bad it is, and regardless of whatever they may have told you.
- The personality you want your partner to don is in conflict with his attainable and realistic self.
- Continuing in hope for a better affair or change of life with that person will only give you nothing but a continued pain and disillusionment.
- Your relationship with that abusive individual will only continue to make you feel powerless, helpless and perhaps incompetent. This is why it became a huge task for you to break away and take good care of yourself.
- Hey! There is no shame in admitting that the relationship won’t work. Walk away!
- It’s imperative that you develop rational perspective as well as create distance between you and your hurtful relationship because you can neither control nor change it.
In either case, if you refuse to detach from that person;
- You will continue to live with that partner who takes advantage of you and pay you with hurt
- You would always get manipulated to do things you wouldn’t ordinarily try
- It would be very easy to become and obsessive person who sees freeing his partner as his responsibility
- You will begin to perform tasks out of intimidation from your experience from people.
- You will remain powerless to meet the demand of that person you have gifted the control of your life
- You will be uncontrollably blind to reality at the expense of your health and relationship with others
- You will become a coping individual as you would be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness from the toxic partner
- You sometimes might become caught up with an idealistic need of providing everything for the person you have given the control of your life even if it takes you to become unhealthy.
- You grow lower self-esteem borne of your experience and maltreatment from this person.
- You might unconsciously sell out your ability to take decisions and follow through on it.
- You will get consumed in your sense of guilt and emotional dependence which even worsen the relationship
- You would automatically run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence to instead derive unworthy value and toxic pleasure in unhealthy relationship
Here is how Irrational and Magical Thinking stopsyou from the inability to detachyour thoughts from the person especially as they are not realistic based, and are often preventing you fromdetaching successfully. Thus you will feel;
- They cannot do anything alone if you leave them
- They need you to justify your presence in their lives
- Suicide can be contemplated if you leave
- You will have a sense of guilt if anything happens to them after reducing your attachment with them
- You are codependent
- Driven to their needs despite making decisions to detach thus you won’t be able to control yourself
- Detaching seem so cold and aloof. But you’re not supposed to be that way when you love the person.
- Detaching sounds final, so unnatural, unreachable and untouchable option
- You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it is a good thing to do for others
- You would believe if one gets hurt in the system, you all get hurt. The feeling will keep coming that you don’t have a good relationship with others except you share their pains, troubles and suffering
In the real sense however, all of these are not true. You are only still struggling with reality of that relationship being toxic and that you shouldn’t be in it.
Written and synchronized in part with content found on detachwithlove.com and letmereach.com