Resisting contacts with people is perhaps a very difficult situation to either implement or maintain especially when one is emotionally attached to the subject. The most important step needed to be taken to ensure there are no contacts at all is letting go of toxic relationships and ensuring that contacts with abusive persons are clearly rebuffed. However, such decisions are not usually very easy ones to make, thus we sometimes find ourselves consciously or unconsciously talking to such people again. However, the moment you beginto engage in any type of casual relationships or thereabout with that individual you don’t want to be associated with anymore, you are being exposed to some form of clinging.
Realistically, it might seem very difficult to stop making contacts totally because it is a self-defeating act. It is even more difficult because we as humans sometimes still maintain contacts in order to enjoy temporary emotional reliefs. But because the target is not to make contacts at all with the person, it is the price that must be paidfor that reason. It thus should also be remembered that no matter how tedious maintaining or implementing ‘No Contact’ may seem, you must stick to your guns to resist all form of urge to reach out to or accept contacts from your abusers yet.
Each time you deviate from the plan by calling, texting, making advances or receiving one from such toxic individuals, you are stylishly taking away the control and power you have gained over your mind in refusing, and giving them chances to have their way back into your life again. Thus you are;
- Exposing yourself to another rounds and risks of neglect, hurt andhumiliation
- Keeping in touch with the problems (which was thought to have been forgotten) in the relationship even when one’s abuser responds positively
- Managing an unchanged abusive individual even if they insinuate to have changed during the time spent apart
- Getting punished by the abusive person whose aim is to shut down completely after you must have responded to him or agreed contacts.
- Losing the credibility of the boundaries you have set and getting eventually haunted by the belief you have created in them previously that they are not accountable for your hurt because they now realize they are.
The urge to cling are usually very strong ones because you are trying to overcome toxic love addiction. Toxic love addiction like any other form of addictions are very difficult to overcome. It is perhaps even more difficult because of the emotional attachment involved. Ceasing contacts and stopping clinging will therefore and most definitely be the greatest challenge you would encounter in the course of contact refusals.
What s clinging?
Clinging is any form of actions or thoughts that individuals engage in consequent of their inabilities to let go of toxic love, persons or relationships. It is a general occurrence and a typical symptom of an insecure attachment style.
Within the frames of abusive relationships, narcissists and other manipulators usually have social conditions which prevent them from forming bonds or having real closeness with other people. Sometimes, they even lack the ability to reflect on themselves. To this end, no amount of love or care extended to them will overcome their personality. You therefore cling to them when you believe you could help them or save them when no one else could. You must accept their personality for what it is if you are to preserve your personal power, attain healing and cross the hurdle of ‘No Contacts’. When you cling to people, you are sabotaging yourself as well as creating enabling environment for such behaviors and thoughts as;
- Assuming things may have changed with the person with time
- Thinking narcissists are feeling the same sense of hurt, loss and grief as you
- Believing narcissists attempts of reaching out to you originates from the ‘missing me feeling’ which is obviously far from the truth
- Reaching out to narcissists numerous times while under the influence of a trigger
- Looking for social media traces they might be missing you
- Unblocking them to see if you would be remembered and called
- Making excuses to yourself as to why you cannot completely do without them
- Reading inordinately about psychopathy
- Showing up in their presence and events casually so as to cross paths and probably interact.
Here is the real deal. Any behavior as these or related to them put up by you with the intent of keeping your abusers in your life or not letting them off your hook completely is a form of clinging.
What to do when you realize you are clinging
Once you are setting out on a ‘No Contact’ decision, you must have clearly sorted plans for the first sixty days of the period. This time is enough to subside your biological addictions, and this was why I created a sixty days specific ‘No Contact’ schedule for you in the previous section. If you have not created your own plan yet, you may refer to the last module to get that done. To further help your recovery, you could add few more options like deactivating your social media accounts, cleaning out your closets and calling someone in your support system.
Kindly note that you must keep anything that will make you remember the narcissist out of sight. It is thus advised that you sell or donate anything that reminds you of him. Going to bar and drinking excessive alcohol is not an option at all as you would only be inviting some form of addiction into your life through this. Instead, you could spend your time to write about your feeling in journals, write letter to your ex but don’t send, and start a blog in the most difficult situations stressing how difficult it is to detach from a relationship. It might really be a time to realize how good you are at writing and how well you have managed his excesses while you share the relationship.
Let go of your hope, your dreams and desire with the person, and be swift to acknowledge the reality that it is really over between you. All these would probably bring to the obvious any emotional vulnerabilities you have about your relationship with the person, your childhood and some other painful periods in your life. This will offer you a rare opportunity to retrace your steps, reset your priorities and keep it seriously in mind that no matter how painful the exit of that abusive individual is out of your life, remaining in the relationship would only make you suffer bigger woes while also incurring more emotional damages. There is absolutely no point in trying to keep your abusive partner in your life and trying to gain their ever-elusive approval. You would only hurt yourself more.
Action Steps/Writing exercises
You sometimes can find writing impossible not because you know not exactly what to write about but because you have no idea on where to begin. Call your minds together and put down everything you can remember about you two. After this, get a separate journal or sheet of paper while you answer the following questions in them;
- Do I think my abusive partner will ever change?
- Am I willing to spend more wasteful years trying to settle for a change that may never come?
- Will my overall wellbeing improve or decline if I remain in relationship with this individual?
- Is my abusive partner really willing to change or only paying me a lip service to avoid punishment for his crimes?
- Would I want to lose my job to a toxic relationship?
- \What would my children learn from this union if I continue? Betrayal, infidelity, pain fighting or love?
- What are my worst fears for leaving this relationship and how am I going to overcome them?
- What positives would I achieve if I leave this relationship?
- Why am I clinging to this relationship? Why do I think this individual worth my time, love and commitment?
- Have I received equal volume of commitment I have shown to my partner?
Clinging is an emotional battle that can be won via dedicated commitment. It is deeply seated and rooted in fears of abandonment, not feeling good enough and not feeling loved. These vulnerabilities would only get worse if an abusive partner is held on to. If you have been experiencing neglect and other forms of abuse in your relationship with no sign that your partner is changing or will be changing anytime soon, you have to face it and decide if you would continue to endure similar pattern of abuse, deceit and betrayal all your life.