After you must have realized that a relationship is toxic to you or perhaps not the best for you, you most definitely would experience sorrow, grief and some feelings of loss when you finally decide to let go of the person. These could become so overwhelming that you might have to cling on to harmful situations to avoid cutting ties with the person completely. Many a times we even make a very destructive decision of remaining friend with our abusers only because we still haven’t accepted the need to eliminate them from our lives completely. Let’s face it. It could be so challenging that you will sometimes have a feeling you may never get over the person or doubt that you will ever heal from the pain letting go will cause you. It may be as weird as you thinking that your life would be doomed forever after losing him or her. The painful irony however is that the longer you stay in such relationship, the more you avoid your process of morning and the more you get stuck in emotional pain and very injurious state of affair.
The best decision you could take at that time is to ride it through and face it that your time is up in that relationship. Then you have to maintain or implement a ‘No Contact’ plan against such person immediately so that you can start your grieving process right away. Mind you, each time you break the ‘No Contact’ rule, it ends up being that you are starting the grieving process all over. If you follow the earlier module of this series that discussed ‘The art of Acceptance’, you would then be able to discern clearly that breaking the ‘No Contact’ rule is like staying stuck in ‘denial’ and ‘bargaining’ or even other phases of the grief cycle as discussed.
When you get stuck in the denial phase, this categorically means that you are never moving on from the position of not accepting the inevitable future. You can even continue denying it once you get denied. What do I mean? A man that has lost his job to a toxic relationship for instance might still go into the city, only to do nothing but sit on park benches all day. Another very dangerous thing to do is to move on to the next phase in the grief cycle when you have not completed the necessary/earlier stages. Thus, you may have some of those stages not working for you at all.
Clinging is a form of avoidance of the inevitable. Going back and forth will do you no good than extending time before you finally accept that the relationship was meant to be forever doomed. Face it and do it. You need to feel the hurt, sorrow and negative energy of their absence in your life but you have to work through it at the same time. Heads up! There is no shortcut to it. You however have some compensation in the fact that feelings don’t last forever. They often subside with time. They fade and bring about growth eventually. To allow this work for you anyway, you must accept that you must feel and work through the pain. Feeling and working through the pain doesn’t now mean that you have to be bedridden for weeks and writing in torment (even though I once did that). You could use your energy more in areas where you would be productive. For example, in my own time, I started to write about my experiences on a tiny corner of cyberspace, using myself as an example. I never knew my blog articles would eventually grow me to the extent of feeling very comfortable to leave my job, work from home and afford me the best freedom to make my own schedules. I have always believed everyone else could survive the dark night of their souls and use their experience to transform their lives if I can. Even you can survive it.
One of the things that makes your exit from an abusive relationship is that the proper closure were not made before saying goodbye to your partner. Trust me, when I left my own toxic marriage, I held its funeral and gave permission to say goodbye. It is perhaps a time to release yourself.
Spare me a little moment to share my words of goodbye with you;
“I have to let you go so I can move on with my life. As close as we have been, the fact is you are holding me back. I can’t really love, forgive, or be the best I can be unless I say goodbye to you. I lovingly release you, and thereby give myself permission to forgive myself so I can move on”
Immediately I finished writing this, I drove myself to a local park that is surrounded by a river and I read my words aloud. I walked over to the river and release it into the current as a sign that I am sending it to the universe.
You could use my simple idea or better still, simply write a goodbye letter and read it aloud as though the toxic partner could hear you. In any case you are comfortable with them, you may consider reading it to trusted friends or family members. After this, you could bury the letter or tear it up as a symbol the relationship has ended. From then on, you can get into the business of moving forward.